I read the book Man’s Search for Meaning and it was beyond words. I’d recommend it to everyone as it will change your life in a really, really pleasant way. I cried for god knows how long and I am so grateful I read the book and will forever treasure it in my heart.
Victor Frankl, the author, was a Holocaust survivor. He explained in great details how humans have survived for far less of what we have right now. But, that was not the point. Humans have survived for far less when they find meanings. By meanings, it could be anything that makes your heart beat faster, your eyes to brighten, your cheeks to blush, and yourself to be unstoppable until you get it. Family, spouse, academic achievements, any kind of achievements, could be your meaning. Own it, own it, own it because it adds fire to your life.
Now you know what to do. Good luck, as it’s not gonna be easy, but it’s gonna be worth it.
Trust me when I say this: you’re going to meet a Summer Finn at least once in your life. The one with pretty eyes, fun attitude, great taste of music, and for a second there you thought you’re finally done with the searching. Everything is perfect until you get to know this person and realize you are not actually on the same page. But he’s just so dreamy, so you ignore those signs and fall in love anyway.
“No I’m not a lesbian. I just, don’t feel comfortable being anyone’s girlfriend. I don’t actually feel comfortable being anyone’s anything.”
“I like being on my own. I think relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it? We’re young, we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world; might as well have fun while we can and, save the serious stuff for later.”
I found Summer Finn in my ex. I spent more than a year trying to fix things, until I realized there’s nothing to be fixed. We were just never on the same page, as simple as that. I wanted him to commit to only me, but he didn’t see the point of that. Months later, he’s settled down with a new girl he’s madly in love with. He’s no longer Summer Finn.
Right now, I guess I find Summer Finn in myself. I really am enjoying the time of my life by being a single 21 year-old who commits to no one other than myself. The idea of being anybody’s girlfriend, meeting his family, or having to hang out with his friends, is nauseating. What I want is him and I not holding ourselves back, not stopping when we kiss just to have the “what are we?” conversation, and basically just having the time of our lives being in love. I don’t need labels, god, I don’t want labels because there are certain expectations coming with any label. Heh, that was exactly what my ex said.
So yeah, I guess all of us are or have been Summer Finn at least for some period of time in our life, and that’s okay, really.
On Sunday evening we would just sit in the park, enjoying our little chit chats, faces touched by the wind. We talked and talked, from the least important thing to the deepest secret that we never revealed to anyone else. When we had no more topic, we would just enjoy the silence and continue our thinking ritual individually.
We would do this three to four hundred times more, until we no longer do. And one day you would be there, and I am here. At two different parks, different companion, but still the same topic.
So I was looking through my WordPress drafts when I found this. I wrote this somewhere in early 2012 because a friend of mine, whose name I did not write so I can’t really remember, made my day with his one sentence, “you look different, in a good way.” I wish I would have let him read this instead letting it hid in a pile of drafts.. What a shame. My 20 years old self will not do such thing again because she knows better (I hope).
It’s 3 months to go to my birthday. I do realize I’m turning seventeen this year. That sounds scary to me.
Anyways, a thing that I’ve been observing lately (besides how I can reach 165 cm in one year), is the sad truth that people constantly change. Some best friends of mine became strangers to me. And I swear to God I didn’t want it to happen. But when I tell myself to try again at least one more time to see if we (my ex-best friends and I) were actually connected in some ways, I also hear my heart saying “no, it won’t work this time.” and right there I prove one more time my heart is right.
There are a lot of friends that I want to befriend with for the rest of my life. But I know the universe doesn’t seem to like my idea. There’s a reason why I give an invisible boundary between us. It hurts when people change and leave you for good, you know.
Today, one of my best friends said how different I am today compared to the old me and the way this person said that makes it sound like it’s a really good thing. I took that as a compliment but I didn’t say thank you because I couldn’t. I was speechless. And what makes me even happier is how this person really meant it. Here I am, writing this instead, saying thank you, because I don’t want you to think that you’re not my best friend. You are! I appreciate you so much. I’m sorry for all the bad things that happened between us. I guess we could change that, couldn’t we?
If someone told me I have only one wish. I would say, “You, never go away.” Now I’m gonna say something so cheesy but trust me this is what you call honesty. I love you, *insert lame smiley face here.* no of course I’m joking. I love you, with no smiley faces needed.